Hope everyone’s had a good week.
This past Tuesday morning I started on more Prozac. The dosages are now at the following: 20 mg Prozac and 600 mg Lithium in the morning, and 25 mg Prozac, 3 mg Zyprexa, and 750 mg Lithium in the evening. We added in the 20 mg of Prozac in the morning after I was talking with my doctor about the lack of enthusiasm I have on a daily basis. It’s been going on for months now, this dreary, fatigued, downtrodden feeling, like a cloud is right above my head everywhere I go. For a while I was tired of problem solving, tired of talking about my illness, but I’m glad that I finally got the courage to admit to myself that being depressed most of the day every day is no way to live.
I’m glad I spoke up, because already, on Sunday, I feel the benefits of the increased Prozac. I am thinking more positively about myself and my future, and I am feeling more able to work on my goals and daily activities. The fatigue has lifted a bit, but I think there is still more to work on in that area. Hopefully this increased happiness will allow me to get up in the morning and exercise and have a good breakfast. I’m hoping an actual exercise regimen will keep the fatigue and depression away.
It’s amazing how a little bit of an anti-depressant can lift the wool from over my eyes little by little. I’m not saying I’m where I’d like to be, but I’m impressed with the easy but effective change so far. I am more convinced now that I need to be on top of my care and advocate for myself. I haven’t been doing that lately. Now that I’m an adult without the best support system in the world, I need to advocate or I’m not getting better.
I know it’s true, but I just hate when my doctor tells me that I’m not in remission until I’m feeling good most of the day every day. It makes me feel like I’ve been neglecting myself and that I need to get more serious about my recovery. I haven’t been as good to my body lately as I should be. I only have one life and even though I’m only 24, I’m reminded of that a lot more now than I was at 17 or 18. I realize that if I don’t take care of myself I might not live to 70 or 80. I don’t want to that to happen. I don’t want to die, even though sometimes I feel that way. I want to live a full, happy life. It’s easy to give up on yourself, thinking you’ll just die young and unhappy and that’s the way your life is supposed to be. I have been thinking that way a lot these days. I have to keep fighting, though. I have to keep fighting. I am trying even though I am exhausted.
I hope I can continue to improve and that the last year or so will melt away like a bad dream. I want this to be the last November that I’m feeling disinterested in life. I want this coming holiday season to be full of joy and positivity so I can move forward and never look back. Having bipolar disorder, it’s so easy to believe that you will never be like a “normal person”. I fear that I am flawed, that people notice that I have bipolar and that they won’t like me for it.
I need to believe that I can be what I consider “normal”, which would just be not-depressed every single day. I want to have interests and goals and dreams and enthusiasm and feel like I’m waking up motivated instead of waking up and hitting the snooze button because getting out of bed doesn’t seem worth it. I’m chasing my dream of feeling happy, and I hope that by this time next year I will have more coping skills and idea of what kinds of medicines work so I can live with more confidence that I can handle work, friendships, and stress.
If I don’t write until after Thanksgiving, I want to wish everyone a happy holiday. Spend time with your family, make some delicious comfort food, and be thankful for whatever you have in your life. I am thankful for my husband, who tries his very best to understand and support me every day. I am also thankful for my cats, who keep me entertained and loving, and my sister and my baby nephew whom I love very much. I’m thankful to have a good job, to be me, and to have a great Christmas and 3-year wedding anniversary ahead. I would love to hear what you’re thankful for.
Peace and Love as Always,