Continuous Battle

Inside of me, there is a battle of darkness and light. It’s always there in some respect, but right now, it is raging.

There are moments when I am hopeful, when I am excited about the days to come.

Then there are moments when I’m scared to live.

Anxiety has been taking a great hold of me, and it doesn’t seem like my treatment team is in a hurry to do anything. After all, we’ve tried benzos, and they haven’t calmed me down, or at least, I don’t think they do. I go to therapy twice a month, but that hasn’t been as helpful as I’d hoped.

The stress has been peaking and even though I’ve managed to keep my job and do well at it, I’m going to the doctor for a series of heart tests.

Nothing can ever seem to go smoothly, but I’m not saying this with disdain. I am used to it by now. After all, this is life.

I just wish I could shake my fear of performance, my fear of work, of people, of doing something wrong. Of something bad happening. It haunts me every step I take and it’s exhausting. It makes my skin crawl. I am tired of being anxious, of having my chest tight and my stomach clenched in a ball.

I want to wake up and smile at the Sun, smile at the people around me, have some self-esteem for a change.

It just seems like there are so many issues I have to deal with sometimes that it’s impossible to fix everything I need to fix.

Physical and mental.

I’m frustrated and all I can do is keep it stuffed down…where am I going to let out my frustration? I can’t jump out of my body, I won’t end my life–I’ve been down that road before and I refuse to do it again.

I just don’t know what needs to change so I can be free.

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6 thoughts on “Continuous Battle

  1. Hi Kat, Very well said. I struggle with the fear too. More often than not, it’s the fear of making a mistake and failing, as you said. Keep working through it! Thanks for writing. Best, Sicily

  2. You are a brave soul indeed; it takes a lot, to put yourself out there like this Kat. I could go on with a spill about how I feel I can relate in order to invoke a connection but really the fact that you are able to take what is inside of you take the initiative and put yoout for the world to see is highly admirable.

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