If you know me, you’re privy to my preference for stream-of-consciousness writing.
In the several autopsies of my own poetry and prose I’ve engaged in over time, it seems the best writing I have ever done is in a type of focused madness.
There are many mornings where I spill my thoughts on paper, and the thoughts often anger me. They are full of fear and negativity and sometimes I feel as if I should have never opened the box.
But it’s a beautiful way to write, and it uncovers the issues that I tend to stuff down.
I’m thinking this morning about a concept, a thought, an idea –whatever you want to call this obsession, that I really feel that I don’t know whether I’m an acceptable person or not.
I bet that sounds crazy. For one, I try to remind myself that is very subjective, whether someone is suitable to another.
And everything I read tells me to refrain from worrying about the opinions of others.
What makes this difficult is I question myself, too.
I know these practices and internal behaviors are detrimental to my life and its trajectory.
The old adages, “If you don’t believe in yourself, who will?” and “You can’t control what others think about you, you can only control yourself”, are burned in my mind, believe me. I know that’s how I’m supposed to think.
I don’t know if I’m just losing it and not medicated correctly, but I ask myself questions like this:
“Is the way you think really moral and conducive to society? Do you see the world in an acceptable way that fits in with society?”
“Are you really a good person, with all of the things you’ve done?”
“Do you deserve a good life, with the illness you have and the way you create problems for yourself and others?”
“Is it possible for you to be a functional member of society?”
“Are you embarrassing yourself constantly, without being aware of it, because you are just such an abnormal individual?”
“Do people see you in a positive light? Are you a respectable professional? Do people see you as an incapable child?”
I often guilt myself for the things I’ve done, the symptoms I can’t control, my behavior, my mistakes.
And I justify it because I tell myself, you have bipolar, you behave abnormally, that is a major deficit and who knows what people think of you. Of course you have reason to worry about your reputation and your future, because of your illness and the problems it causes.
I am in fear — what if I’m not “normal”? What if I am looked at like a weirdo? What if I think I’m fooling everyone but I’m really not?
Am I going to be OK?
I am realizing all of this is really bubbling up in my psyche like acid. I don’t know what to do with these thoughts. I’m trying to deal with them and come up with a solution. My therapist seems to think I only need to be seen once a month. I am not the kind of person to beg to be seen more, and I don’t even know if I can really express how I’m feeling anyway.
I’m best at writing, and definitely not at talking. This is the way I really make sense of it all. But I can’t make sense of how to come to grips with how I’m feeling and thinking.
Any advice? Words of wisdom?
Have a good Thursday…. ——- KAT