It’s hard for me to accept that I’m stressing myself out.
I like to blame it on work projects, clients, my family, but the truth is, I have control over my stress level.
But in a way, I still don’t, because I am not very good at controlling it. I let anything and everything spin me out of control.
This entire week, I’ve been getting headaches, migraines, sleeping more, not feeling well at all.
I’m pushing myself too hard, but that is literally all I know how to do.
I have unattainable, high expectations for myself that have been part of my life for so long that they feel nearly seamless with my identity.
Those high expectations are higher than those I have of others.
I am tough on myself, I lose my mind over difficult situations at work. Yesterday, I made myself nearly sick over what I perceived as an uncontrollable situation involving a client, alone, in my home office.
I start feeling physical symptoms. I get sweaty, my heart starts pounding, my head starts to hurt, my muscles get tight. I feel panicked and overwhelmed.
Sometimes, if I’m alone, I will start to cry.
When this happened yesterday, I did the right thing, I pulled myself away and I took a walk outside. I started to remove myself from the stress which made it seem more manageable. That is not usually my natural response, though. Usually, I want to immerse myself in the fear, I want to fix something, make it right again.
As I mentioned, the problem is that I’ve been thinking this way nearly all of my life. At 26 years old, I’ve spent more time thinking this way than trying to defeat it. So it’s extremely hard not to panic, not to get physically sick.
It’s only in my 20’s that I’m realizing that this needs to stop. The tougher part is how to do that.
While I manage through every day, this is not the optimal way to live. I am exhausted, here, on this Friday. I will likely work 6 or 7 hours today, and a few over the weekend.
I’m quickly realizing that even though I like my work, that I’ll always have to work, that I will need to create more of a balance. What does that balance mean to me?
It’s exercising a lot more, remembering to take my medication every day, eating right, walking away from stressful situations and learning how to collect myself without going too far.
The balance is going to come from learning how to step away from a moment, to re-connect with calm, instead of trying so hard to fix what I feel I screwed up.
The recurring theme is that I am way harder on myself than anyone else is on me. I am an all-star, to my boss, my co-workers, my husband, my real dad.
I am OK, and that has to resonate with me, or all the rest is useless.
Phew. I’m glad it’s Friday…how about you? I will work from home today, so feel free to say hi @KatGalaxy on Twitter. I will strive to create balance today and clear my mind over the weekend.
Meditation and nature sounds help, too.
Let me know how you are doing as well. I always love to hear from Team Kat Galaxy.
Have a great Friday! Here’s to PEACE.
PS- Don’t forget to take my Poll of the Month for November!