Down the Rabbit Hole

Oh boy – it’s been up and down and up and down – and now I’m falling down the rabbit hole…

This is the time when I feel that I’ve let a lot of people down – myself, my husband, my friends, my readers.

I fail and fail again – it’s like I’m on the Weight Watchers of mental health (and that’s totally a joke – I am no stick figure). 🙂

I’m in a place right now, so overstimulated by two trips out of town (whyyyy), combined with Christmas, combined with the shift from agency life to becoming a full time business owner and freelancer – that I’m in too much of a whirlwind and I’ve become angry. I’m angry at everyone. I want to yell at people, comment on everything, fight with everyone, turn myself inside out and then disappear.

It’s aggression and then shame and then aggression and then shame. This is the crappiest part of bipolar disorder, I assure you.

I should just ask the United States military to drop bombs on my relationships and interactions with people right now. I should just climb out of my upstairs office window, get on top of my roof and claim “I don’t want friends! I don’t want anyone in my life! So get!”.

It’s one of those times when you can see why the big time, tortured rock stars tried heroin. Why some people just want to check out from the pain and the ever-arriving feeling of crawling skin.

I know things can get better. My life has been hectic lately, but I know I’ve been making tough choices in the short term that will be better from me in the long run. I’ve been going through some painful therapy sessions that have led me to realize that me spending time with my mom and my sister on a regular basis is NOT good for me. I can’t avoid it, I can’t stop pretending it’s not true. They are two people I need to stay away from for some time. They have been triggering to me. I have made major life choices – I am no longer a fancy “Director” but a freelance business owner writer and I love it…but I need to get comfortable with the fact that some people may not get it. I am tired of living for others! I need to take my illness more seriously and WHO I ACTUALLY AM more seriously.

I can’t take my medicine every three days and be the tiny little supergirl I used to be before I got sick with bipolar. I have to settle into reality and accept it and be accepting of who I am. I’m not treating it like a medical disease and I really keep screwing that bit up. I’m 27  – after 9 years diagnosed, what am I learning? I’m frustrated with myself. My preoccupation with others and pleasing  others that led me here. I never pay attention to myself.

I’m working toward baby steps in that direction but I’ve carried so much guilt and shame for so long, so much pain that has led me to be very angry at the world, projecting all my anger on almost everyone else, to the point, now, that I am angry at nearly everyone I look at. It’s unbecoming, it’s scary and I don’t like it.

I have been ashamed for the stress I’ve caused my family growing up. I was ashamed of being a child without a father and I was ashamed by my mother calling me a nag and a witch and “just like my father” (totally a negative). I was ashamed by the bullying because I thought it reinforced what my mom always said about me. The way my biological father neglected me growing up – that helped solidify it too. The way some of my boyfriend’s mothers hated me, the way girls hated me, the way co-workers were jealous of me – I internalized that and assumed it was because I was a piece of crap. And for years now, ultimately, I have stopped caring for my health and I have become angry and sick again.

So…I’m feeling pretty rejected and small right now. I’m feeling like a little dog, a little Bichon Frise that wants to fight a Pit Bull. I am going to have to go back to The Plan – taking my medicine as prescribed, relying on some clonazepam for now – avoiding overstimulation and being understanding of myself. Not being around anyone that is going to make me feel weak.

This really stinks – but I will climb out of the hole again sometime soon. Anyone else feeling this way?

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One thought on “Down the Rabbit Hole

  1. I have a sister who makes me crazy. I have learned that I need to love her from a distance, as she is a bitter woman who triggers me every time I see her. I limit my exposure to her negative energies to the command performance days like Christmas and her birthday. What’s sad is she doesn’t understand why. But that is not my battle to fight; if she really wanted to understand, she’d ask me why. I refuse to feel guilty about that.

    Anyway, I know what you’re talking about in regards to the anger. I’m experiencing a fairly tranquil time right now but in the past anger was an almost constant companion. I hope things get better for you very soon. Hugs!

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