Tangled Hair and Hell

It’s been a long time, in Kat standards, since I’ve completed a blog post.

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. As usual.

There are knots in my long, red hair and I’m not combing them out right now.

It represents me at this point in time, the knotted dreads at the base of my scalp.

Look at my hair and you know how I’m feeling.

Today I put a wrap on my head so I wouldn’t have to pull the comb through it.

I was focusing so damn hard on being positive, on relaxing, having a “normal” day.

Not feeling terrified and anxious and out of place at work.

The intense focus lasted almost until the end of the work day; I received an idiotic email from a peer that sent me into a fit of doubt and anger and disappointment, all the way into my 6 PM therapy session.

I cried hard, and way more than I can remember in a long, long time.

My therapist agreed. She hadn’t seen me look this bad in a while.

What was a session per month is now a session next week, same day, same time.

I’m just melting down, that’s all. And no, I can’t remember the last time I felt so angry and helpless.

For several months I was riding on the fumes of finding a well-paying job and being what society wants me to be. Trying to fit in because that’s the way we succeed in life.

But it doesn’t feel right. 

I feel like I’m letting others’ opinions (or even perceived opinions) of me control my life. I’m allowing others to help me feel bad about who I am and what I do. I am driving myself crazy even writing this, because I don’t want to type this shit one more time.

It’s in my journals, in my blog posts, over and over again: I have allowed countless comments, sentiments, and setbacks color my life because I have no confidence in myself.

It goes deep, and it’s hard to change. 

I’m really, really frustrated because I don’t even feel like I know who I am anymore.

I feel trapped in the monotone of adulthood, making money just to pay the bills, waking up over and over again, driven by the mortgage, the groceries, not what I love or makes me feel confident.

I spend all my energy on getting through the work day and indulging in what I believe others want for me or by me.

I feel guilty when I disappoint or don’t meet expectations (including my own).

I live in fear, apprehension, trying to grip the present with an iron fist in order to shape the future.

I guess I was naive in my late teens and early 20’s, with the audacity to believe life is going to be nothing but fun and games and pleasure and excitement.

Reality has been a tough pill to swallow.

I hate not knowing what’s going to happen to me. I loved the predictability of grade school and college classes and a schedule and a feeling of safety. 

I don’t trust I’m a good enough person to have a good life. I don’t like how uncertain everything is. It’s driving me wild.

My illness has afforded me a tremendous amount of guilt.

I don’t know how to move forward from where I am.

• How do I take back the power to choose my beliefs over others’? 
• How do I believe in myself, instead of trying to find myself in other people?
• How do I get back to where I was before — living for myself instead of a job, or a belief of what I “should” be? 
• What is the first step? How do I begin to live again? 

Anyone have any advice?

I feel stuck in the place I’m in. I want to be happy, live a positive life with as much stability as I can. Everyone does.

I want to believe in myself instead of waiting for someone else to validate me.

Tonight I am exhausted, and my hair is yet again wet and tangled.

My head hurts and I put myself through too much today. 

After my shower this evening, I wrapped a towel around myself and sat there for several minutes, my mind too confused and exhausted to even think.

I just kept breathing. And that is all I know to do. 

-KAT